The Courage to be an Absolute Nobody

This is a line from J.D. Salinger’s Franny and Zooey. It’s . . . startling.

I’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody.

It takes my breath away.

At first I was like . . . what does that even mean?

What kind of courage does it take to have to be an absolute nobody?

Doesn’t that mean not trying?

For some reason, it made me think of that scene in The Knight’s Tale where Heather Ledger’s character tells the pretty girl that he will win his tournament for her, and she says — you don’t win for me. You win for yourself. If you want to prove you love me, do your worst.

And he’s flabbergasted. It’s never occurred to him to try to lose. I mean, he’s worked so hard to get good — really good — at the whole jousting thing. Now he’s supposed to not care about winning?

That’s how that line from Franny and Zooey makes me feel.

Here’s more context for that quote. (Emphasis mine.)

I’m not afraid to compete. It’s just the opposite. Don’t you see that? I’m afraid I will compete- that’s what scares me. That’s why I quit the Theater Department. Just because I’m so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else’s values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn’t make it right. I’m ashamed of it. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I’m sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash.

You can read Salinger’s short story, Franny, here.

I think Franny, who is a Liberal Arts college student, is clearly having an emotional crisis. No one wrote ennui better than Salinger.

The story was published in 1955. It was combined with a companion short story, Zooey, into a book that I haven’t read since high school. I plan to re-read the short story today.

But I keep thinking about that line — I’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody — out of context. Whatever Franny was going through and whatever Salinger meant by the line, it’s hitting me hard.

What if having the courage to be an absolute nobody means creating, even if you aren’t good enough?

What if having the courage to be an absolute nobody means creating, without concern for fame or fortune or even freedom?

What if having the courage to be an absolute nobody is the thing that uncorks the bottle and lets creativity and stories and ideas and all manner of magic flow?

The hardest part is to actually have that courage, not give it lip-service. I mean, it’s easy to say “I don’t care if I’m an absolute nobody.” But if really you beat yourself bloody if your book doesn’t sell —you haven’t found that courage yet.

I always know that I’ve hit my own sore spot when I switch from “I” to “You” when I’m writing. So, I’m going to be perfectly clear. I don’t have the courage to be an absolute nobody.

But this morning, as I sit on a bed in my dad’s guest room, looking out at one of my favorite views in the whole world and listening to the chickens cluck, I wish I did.

Not because I don’t want readers or money or love or any number of things — but because I wonder if those wants constipate my creativity.

I know that the harder you try to chase things like a book deal or bestseller status or page views here on Medium or money — the faster they run.

I know that I am happiest when I just write because I have a story I want to tell, and trust that what’s supposed to happen at the end, will. Including the possibility that I’ve told the story just for myself.

I know that having the courage to be an absolute nobody scares me.

Not in the fear-for-my-life way that keeps me from shooting up heroin or driving the wrong way on the highway.

In the this-is-so-different-from-what-I’m-Used-to way that keeps me from doing things when I’m not pretty sure that the result will be some kind of success.

And generally, if something scares me in that way, it means I need to at least look harder at it.

I’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody.

Damn.

Here’s my secret weapon for sticking with whatever your thing is.

Shaunta Grimes is a writer and teacher. She lives in Reno with her husband, three superstar kids, and a yellow rescue dog named Maybelline Scout. She’s on Twitter @shauntagrimes and is the original Ninja Writer.